As the parent of two now-adult daughters, I can honestly say they were great children growing up. At times a handful, but overall no complaints. I think parents who dealt with teenagers are familiar with this action. You ask the child to do something and the instantly give you an attitude about it - nothing major, but a clear attitude. So you say something, usually out of frustration or anger. I know I used to say “don’t get an attitude with me”. The inevitable response would be “I don’t have an attitude”.
This would go on to some version of he said/she said. This experience, while infuriating and a horrible right of passage for teenager parents, taught me a valuable lesson that has helped me as I give feedback.
Focus on observable behaviors.
What do I Mean by Observable Behaviors
Feedback is effective because it focuses on a fact - something that actually happened and you could witness. The mistake I was making with my teenage daughters was focusing on an “intention” not an observable behavior. An attitude is an intention. Rolling eyes is an observable behavior.
It takes a little practice, but focus on specific actions you see instead of how you interpret the intention behind it.
Quiz: Is seeing someone who isn’t paying attention in a meeting an intent or an observable behavior? Intent. The observable behavior may be that they were on their phone the entire meeting, that they were talking to someone else, that they were doodling and staring at the clock, etc.
You will find that many times what you think is an observable behavior is really an intent, but you’ve internalized it to the point you are convinced it is a behavior.
A little trick: Can you describe it like it is an action in a movie?
The Two Benefits of Using Observable Behaviors
The behavior can’t be argued about or denied. My daughter could deny that she had an attitude, she couldn’t deny that she rolled her eyes. The employee can deny they weren’t paying attention, they can’t deny that they spent a large part of the meeting on their phone.
It enables you to focus on the behavior, not the intent. Let’s be honest, you can’t know the intent of another person. By focusing on the behavior, you can present it as how others may perceive it.
Returning to the example of being on the phone in a meeting, I would say “I noticed you were on your phone a lot during the meeting. Others, including the presenter, could see that as you not paying attention, regardless of you intent.” It feels somewhat passive-aggressive, but it is the most honest interpretation. After all, you perceived it as not paying attention, so others could do so as well.
Why We Struggle With Observable Behaviors
The main reason is that the behavior itself doesn’t bother us, but our perception of the intent bothers us. When we give feedback, our mind defaults to the thing we think needs to change. If I know someone takes a ton of notes on their phone, it doesn’t bother me that they have it out during meetings. If I don’t know why someone has the phone out, it bothers me that they might be scrolling Instragram.
Another reason is that it is not natural for us. Our observation skills aren’t naturally at that defined level to see action without intent. It takes a bit of training and practice to be able to separate the two.
A great activity when you are out at a coffee shop or somewhere there are lots of people. Find one person and simply make a mental note of all the behaviors. How were they sitting, what were they doing, what movements did they make, etc. Don’t think that the young person at the coffee shop on a laptop was doing homework, just recognize that they were on a laptop, typing rapidly, and occasionally using a mouse.
Conclusion
You will struggle at first. Every manager, including me, struggles with this. Our minds are trained a certain way and we react using habits. You have to unlearn the intent mindset and re-learn the behavior mindset. Stick with it - the payoff will be worth the trouble.