Why Your Feedback Falls on Deaf Ears
And How to Fix It
Sasha (not her real name) sat in her office after another frustrating team meeting, wondering why her carefully crafted feedback seemed to bounce off her employees like water off a duck's back. She'd spent twenty minutes explaining how the marketing presentation could be improved, pointing out specific areas for enhancement and offering concrete suggestions. Yet she could see it in their faces – that glazed-over look that said they were hearing criticism, not guidance.
"I give them positive feedback too," she muttered to herself, recalling the compliments she'd shared about their recent campaign success just days earlier. "So why do they act like I'm constantly nitpicking?"
Many managers find themselves in Sasha's shoes, delivering what they believe is constructive feedback only to watch it get dismissed as micromanagement or fault-finding.
The Real Problem Isn't What You Think
The most common advice for managers struggling with feedback reception is to balance negative comments with positive ones. "Make sure you're not only pointing out problems," the leadership books say. "Celebrate wins too." While this advice isn't wrong, it misses the deeper issue that Sasha is facing.
Sasha actually does give positive feedback. She acknowledges achievements, celebrates milestones, and recognizes good work. Yet her developmental feedback still lands with a thud. The problem isn't the ratio of positive to negative comments. It's something far more fundamental.
The Trust Factor
Feedback is more likely to be listened to and taken seriously when employees know you have their best interests at heart. This isn't about being liked or being everyone's friend – it's about establishing genuine trust that your guidance comes from a place of wanting to help them grow, not from a desire to control or criticize.
Think about it from your employees' perspective. When someone gives you feedback, your brain immediately asks: "Is this person trying to help me or hurt me?" If there's any doubt about the answer, your defenses go up, and the feedback gets filtered through a lens of skepticism.
Your team members want to know that you care about them as people and as professionals, and that you genuinely want them to succeed. Without this foundation, even the most well-intentioned developmental feedback can feel like an attack.
Building the Foundation for Effective Feedback
So how do you establish this crucial foundation? Here are several strategies you can implement immediately:
Invest in Individual Relationships This is one of the key reasons I am so emphatic about the need for one-on-one meetings. It enables you to build the relationship that benefits you and the employee in multiple ways. When people feel seen and understood as individuals, they're more likely to trust that your feedback serves their growth.
Connect Feedback to Their Goals Before delivering developmental feedback, explicitly connect it to something they've told you they want to achieve. "Remember how you mentioned wanting to lead more client presentations? I have some thoughts on how to make your delivery even more compelling." This frames your feedback as a tool for their success, not just your expectations.
Lead with Questions Instead of immediately jumping into what needs to change, start with questions. "How do you think that presentation went?" or "What would you do differently next time?" This lets you learn a bit more about how they think and maybe even their concerns. Once you know that, you can adapt the feedback based on them as an individual.
Follow Up on Their Progress After giving feedback, check in regularly on their progress. Offer additional support, resources, or coaching. This ongoing investment shows that you're committed to their success, not just interested in pointing out problems.
Celebrate Improvement When you see someone implementing your feedback, acknowledge it specifically. "I noticed how you structured that client call differently – the way you asked those clarifying questions upfront really kept the conversation focused." This reinforces that your feedback was meant to help them succeed.
Conclusion
Building this foundation takes time. Don't expect overnight transformation in how your feedback is received. Like Sasha, you might need to invest weeks or even months in strengthening these relationships before you see a shift in how your guidance is welcomed.
Remember, effective feedback is more than what you say or how you say it – it's about the relationship context in which it's delivered. When your team truly believes you're in their corner, your feedback transforms from judgment into partnership.
The next time you sit down to give developmental feedback, pause and ask yourself: "Does this person know I care about their success?" If there's any doubt, start there. The feedback can wait until the foundation is solid.
After all, the best feedback in the world is worthless if it's not received – and it won't be received if trust isn't established first.